Dnt_Watch_The_News

Me: I should watch the news because I REALLY have NO idea whats going on in the world unless its on facebook or twitter...

Newscaster: blah... blah... blah.... murder.... death... #tigerblood... bad economy.... unemployment... rape... baby in a dumpster... blah... blah... blah...

Me: Yo, what the fuck??

Newscaster: ... More murder... more death... still bad economy... more rape.... blah... blah... blah... more babies in dumpster.... #winning... blah... blah.. blah...

Me: Man, this is depressing as shit.. This HAS to get better...

Newscaster: EVERYONE IS DEAD!! THEY ARE KILLING EACHOTHER THEN THEMSELVES!! AND EVERYONE IS GETTING FIRED OR LAID OFF!! CHARLIE SHEEN IS FUCKING WINNING AND DRINKS TIGERBLOOD!! THEY ARE RAPING EVERYTHING THAT MOVES AND SOME THINGS THAT DONT!! AND DUMPSTERS HAVE BECOME NURSERIES!!

Me: Man, I cant do this anymore, where's the weather??

Weatherman: Its going to be the storm of the century!! 40% of the country will be effected... mass power outages... No bread or milk ANYWHERE!!

Me: What the....-

Weatherman: - people will die!! but.... at least it'll be too cold to rape...

Me: *blink, blink*

Weatherman: The weekend forecast is more of the same or not.. I dont know, I get paid to guess...

Me: Wow, man.. Let me turn it to Sportscenter, you can NEVER go wrong with Sportscenter..

Stuart Scott: Tonight on sports... How does my ass taste?? Brett Favre's penis... Rex Ryan's foot fetish... No Football...

Me: *commits suicide*